HMS Home Warranty: How to Cook a Client

How are you? Sorry I haven't been here like I promised. I'll make it up to you - I know, I know, but Daddy's been busy with a new house and all; just sing the Wal-Mart is the Devil song...

This is another one filed under "Here's an example, but use it as a warning for all industry" (see banks, credit cards, cell phone providers).


Note: In the following account, Sibcy Cline Realtors and Fast Fixes Home Services are mentioned, but they are exemplary of quality customer service. Only HMS Home Warranty has the certificate to lick the sweat off my ....

I'm sweating my ass off right now. Really. The rivulets are having a "Clothes Soaking Party" on my shirt and in my pants. And HMS Home Warranty is letting this happen.

As some readers know, I moved to the lovely city of Cincinnati last month. I love the town. I love the house: it's 60 years old or so, plenty of character, and a good home warranty should anything go bad. The home warranty was purchased from HMS Home Warranty (Homesure Services, Inc.).

The tale: Thursday afternoon, our central air wasn't central airing the way it should. By the evening, the thermostat was set at 72F, but the temperature was 81F. The next morning, the situation had not improved, so it was time to call HMS. I get up before 6am so I made the call and the claim was taken in, totally automated. I got a phone number and left a message on an answering machine that said "Due to the immense number of repair calls...." Danger Will Robinson: That's not a good sign.

On Friday, Cincinnati was hot, pushing 90's, humidity flourishing, and it was not comfortable. As a home worker, it sucked. A couple hours into the day, I called HMS again to make sure something was going on. I asked for another provider. And through another phone call (explaining that I really needed something done because the weekend was approaching - when most services would be unreachable) and a couple hours later, I actually got them to call a service company to come out Fast Fixes. The service provider said: I've got good news and bad news. Good news: you'll save some electricity this weekend. Bad news: your condenser's shot.

Since I was not expecting much movement on the weekend, I let Friday disappear, Saturday sweat, and Sunday singe.

Monday morning I called (gist only)

Me: So, what's going on?
HMSHW: Oh, we've got the information...
Me: Okay
HMSHW: It's going to take some time
Me: Can you expedite it?
HMSHW: We'll expedite it. It may take up to 24 hours.
Me: Huh? You realize there's a heat warning out.
HMSHW: It's hot everywhere, sir.
Me: I have a daughter and wife and myself who can't sleep for sweat and animals who are miserable if not in danger.
HMSHW: We understand.

I'd love to go through blockquote conversations for the whole process, but heat makes me impatient, so I'm going to bullet it.

• Monday
  - Call 2: What's going on? "It's not through purchasing yet." Make it so. "We'll do what we can." I need to talk to someone else. "Someone else" (Chuck) says he'll take care of it.
  - Callback: What's going on? "You're OK'd for a replacement, but Fast Fixes gave us information, we're trying to verify it, doing research, and it doesn't match exactly. They'll have to come out again."


• Monday - Fast Fixes comes out again at 5pm, looks at the unit, verifies their previous information.


• Tuesday
  - 5:30am to HMSHW: What's going on? "They never called us back." Fine.
  - 6am to Fast Fixes: What's going on? No one called. "We called them as soon as we were done, specifically had to call someone back, left Chuck a voicemail."
  (Note: Chuck gets off at 5.)
  - 6:30am to HMSHW: They called you, left a message with Chuck. "We can't access Chuck's voicemail, but we'll put a note in to Chuck so he'll call you back."
  - 9:30am to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "I can't actually reach him, but I'll put in a note to have a supervisor call you in the next 2-4 hours"
  - 12:00pm to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "You were told..." No, I need this resolved. (hold) "He's just cleared his voicemail and is now working on your claim."
  - 2:30pm to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "He's still working on your claim." I need to speak to him. and...voicemail.
  - 3:00pm to HMSHW: "Chuck doesn't speak to homeowners." WTF?
  - 3:30pm I got the number and called the Sibcy Cline rep at HMSHW and she was aghast, said she'd help.
  - 4:50pm called the rep again and she said she couldn't access the file because it was locked. But it's been worked on since noon! Again, aghast.
  - 5:05 to HMSHW: Need to speak to a supervisor. "I can't locate a supervisor." Then try again. Put me on hold. And if it takes ten minutes, I'll call back and we'll do it all over again. "Chuck's finishing it up." Not good enough. I want a supervisor. Super: "We're doing things as quickly as possible...blah blah bullshit bullshit." Can you have the service company call me today? "Yes." Then that'll have to do.

And that's where we're at.

Bug bug bug until you hear something satisfactory, because right now I have to tell my daughter why she's going to have to sweat through the evening again, probably not get so much sleep.

Pain on them.

For the record, Fast Fixes and Sibcy Cline have been nothing but wonderful in the process. HMSHW is the devil.

Updates, official complaints, and responses will follow. But right now, I'm too sweaty, to angry to continue.

Miracle Gro, Round 2: We Have Pictures

We last left our hero worried about setting the apartment on fire. He extinguished the smoking soil with water.

But it came back.



I do not use this as an ashtray. I only use it to put out cigarettes. The smell was blazing this morning, but trying to get my daughter to school, I didn't have time to investigate.

After the discovery, and after pushing away the cover soil, I was left with this:



I'm not trying to downside the wonderful growing potential Miracle Gro gives to its plant constituents, but when things fall in the court of watering pots of plants with its product, it's hard not to see how people can use fertilizers to make bombs.

Miracle Gro, say it ain't true!

Bad Wording - Buying a Home

I'm moving up to Cincinnati with the family and we're looking for a home. We've been through the buying process once already (after having looked in Ohio) and have upstarted twice after selling that. So this is our fifth go-around. We've seen our fair share of horror.

But right now we're where any computer-savvy fam/person starts: the internets.

If you've ever searched online for a home (in the format of having a realtor [realtor comes up as misspelling on Firefox 2.0? WTF?] and a full-access account to home listings, search capability, and comparison neighborhoods, etc.), you know you have the main list of stats, most of the time accompanied by pictures, but always with a paragraph of copy to help elaborate on what can't be said by simply looking at pictures or statistics. This, usually, is effervescent hyperbole.

Last week we were looking and found this paragraph of fabulous, time-saving description copy for a home listing:

LOCATION! LOCATION! Home was used as Barber shop and Dog grooming business. Prime spot on Dixie Highway next to Aldi. Seventy feet of road frontage. Great Oppurtunity (sic).

I don't think I have to go very far with descriptions. Let's bullet the high points:

• LOCATION!
• Barber shop
• Dog grooming business
• Directly on a ("Dixie") Highway
• Aldi
• Aldi in retrospect of LOCATION!
• "Opportunity" in retrospect of Aldi and LOCATION!

You'll be diggin' dog and people crud out of your corners for years to come! Have a pet? Have a kid? Ever see Pet Sematary? Yeah, kinda like that.

Good Lord. In shopping for a home, I'm sure there's more to come.