HMS Home Warranty: How to Cook a Client

How are you? Sorry I haven't been here like I promised. I'll make it up to you - I know, I know, but Daddy's been busy with a new house and all; just sing the Wal-Mart is the Devil song...

This is another one filed under "Here's an example, but use it as a warning for all industry" (see banks, credit cards, cell phone providers).


Note: In the following account, Sibcy Cline Realtors and Fast Fixes Home Services are mentioned, but they are exemplary of quality customer service. Only HMS Home Warranty has the certificate to lick the sweat off my ....

I'm sweating my ass off right now. Really. The rivulets are having a "Clothes Soaking Party" on my shirt and in my pants. And HMS Home Warranty is letting this happen.

As some readers know, I moved to the lovely city of Cincinnati last month. I love the town. I love the house: it's 60 years old or so, plenty of character, and a good home warranty should anything go bad. The home warranty was purchased from HMS Home Warranty (Homesure Services, Inc.).

The tale: Thursday afternoon, our central air wasn't central airing the way it should. By the evening, the thermostat was set at 72F, but the temperature was 81F. The next morning, the situation had not improved, so it was time to call HMS. I get up before 6am so I made the call and the claim was taken in, totally automated. I got a phone number and left a message on an answering machine that said "Due to the immense number of repair calls...." Danger Will Robinson: That's not a good sign.

On Friday, Cincinnati was hot, pushing 90's, humidity flourishing, and it was not comfortable. As a home worker, it sucked. A couple hours into the day, I called HMS again to make sure something was going on. I asked for another provider. And through another phone call (explaining that I really needed something done because the weekend was approaching - when most services would be unreachable) and a couple hours later, I actually got them to call a service company to come out Fast Fixes. The service provider said: I've got good news and bad news. Good news: you'll save some electricity this weekend. Bad news: your condenser's shot.

Since I was not expecting much movement on the weekend, I let Friday disappear, Saturday sweat, and Sunday singe.

Monday morning I called (gist only)

Me: So, what's going on?
HMSHW: Oh, we've got the information...
Me: Okay
HMSHW: It's going to take some time
Me: Can you expedite it?
HMSHW: We'll expedite it. It may take up to 24 hours.
Me: Huh? You realize there's a heat warning out.
HMSHW: It's hot everywhere, sir.
Me: I have a daughter and wife and myself who can't sleep for sweat and animals who are miserable if not in danger.
HMSHW: We understand.

I'd love to go through blockquote conversations for the whole process, but heat makes me impatient, so I'm going to bullet it.

• Monday
  - Call 2: What's going on? "It's not through purchasing yet." Make it so. "We'll do what we can." I need to talk to someone else. "Someone else" (Chuck) says he'll take care of it.
  - Callback: What's going on? "You're OK'd for a replacement, but Fast Fixes gave us information, we're trying to verify it, doing research, and it doesn't match exactly. They'll have to come out again."


• Monday - Fast Fixes comes out again at 5pm, looks at the unit, verifies their previous information.


• Tuesday
  - 5:30am to HMSHW: What's going on? "They never called us back." Fine.
  - 6am to Fast Fixes: What's going on? No one called. "We called them as soon as we were done, specifically had to call someone back, left Chuck a voicemail."
  (Note: Chuck gets off at 5.)
  - 6:30am to HMSHW: They called you, left a message with Chuck. "We can't access Chuck's voicemail, but we'll put a note in to Chuck so he'll call you back."
  - 9:30am to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "I can't actually reach him, but I'll put in a note to have a supervisor call you in the next 2-4 hours"
  - 12:00pm to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "You were told..." No, I need this resolved. (hold) "He's just cleared his voicemail and is now working on your claim."
  - 2:30pm to HMSHW: What's up with Chuck? "He's still working on your claim." I need to speak to him. and...voicemail.
  - 3:00pm to HMSHW: "Chuck doesn't speak to homeowners." WTF?
  - 3:30pm I got the number and called the Sibcy Cline rep at HMSHW and she was aghast, said she'd help.
  - 4:50pm called the rep again and she said she couldn't access the file because it was locked. But it's been worked on since noon! Again, aghast.
  - 5:05 to HMSHW: Need to speak to a supervisor. "I can't locate a supervisor." Then try again. Put me on hold. And if it takes ten minutes, I'll call back and we'll do it all over again. "Chuck's finishing it up." Not good enough. I want a supervisor. Super: "We're doing things as quickly as possible...blah blah bullshit bullshit." Can you have the service company call me today? "Yes." Then that'll have to do.

And that's where we're at.

Bug bug bug until you hear something satisfactory, because right now I have to tell my daughter why she's going to have to sweat through the evening again, probably not get so much sleep.

Pain on them.

For the record, Fast Fixes and Sibcy Cline have been nothing but wonderful in the process. HMSHW is the devil.

Updates, official complaints, and responses will follow. But right now, I'm too sweaty, to angry to continue.

Miracle Gro, Round 2: We Have Pictures

We last left our hero worried about setting the apartment on fire. He extinguished the smoking soil with water.

But it came back.



I do not use this as an ashtray. I only use it to put out cigarettes. The smell was blazing this morning, but trying to get my daughter to school, I didn't have time to investigate.

After the discovery, and after pushing away the cover soil, I was left with this:



I'm not trying to downside the wonderful growing potential Miracle Gro gives to its plant constituents, but when things fall in the court of watering pots of plants with its product, it's hard not to see how people can use fertilizers to make bombs.

Miracle Gro, say it ain't true!

Miracle Gro - You could start a fire!

I sent this email last week. I have had no response.

Good day.
This very well may be the first such email you have ever received; I'm sure the situation is rather rare. What I would prefer to avoid is a static, autonomic response saying "Mr. Shambles...our studies indicate...if we can further not assist you...." You know. That kind of thing.

Here's the situation: For a year and a half, 3 medium-sized (gallon?) pots, filled with a mix of Miracle Gro Potting Mix and some organic, generic soil was used to grow flowers. It was always outside and once a week or so, we'd hit it with Miracle Gro Garden Feeder while watering our garden.

We moved. To an apartment. Being on the first floor, we set the pots outside so the flowers could be part of the door decoration. Already struggling from the move, the plants soon died and we began using the pots as ashtrays. This was six months ago.

The pots have remained dry, in the external hallway of an apartment complex, for the last six months. Yesterday afternoon, we came home to something smelling distinctly of burning. Because of the strong local wind, it wasn't until late in the evening that we identified the burning as coming from our ashtray soil pots. Well, the one we were using as an ashtray.

I put my hand over the pot. It was hot. Really hot. When the wind paused, smoke plumes rose from our previously-Eden-esque pot of wonder. Really, it was a new pot of wonder, growing fire instead of life. Obviously, once realizing the source of the fire smell, of the smoke, we dumped water into the pot. It sizzled like dumping a gallon of water on a barbecue.

The stats: Normal potting soil could not have done this, so it's either the mix of chemicals in the soil, cigarette heat, and wind, or it's a miracle of Christ. Since I don't necessarily believe in the latter in the presence of fertilizer (which can be used to make bombs), I'm just curious.

So the questions: Have you ever heard of a pot, kept dry for some time, turning into a furnace? None of the embers were visible, but the heat and the smoking, have you ever run into this? Is there something we can avoid in the future to avoid a situation where our smoldering grill-pot, sitting right next to our vinyl siding, might be kept safe?

Honestly, I'm just glad I caught it. I know it's probably a confluence of circumstance, but your product set soil a-smoldering. I just worry that it's something that might happen again.

I'll be happily awaiting your answers.

Thanks for your time,

What the hell? A flower pot turns into a furnace. It's reminiscent of the underground burning of the real-life Silent Hill Pennsylvania town. And until now I couldn't imagine how something like that could happen.

Updates hopefully...